Monday, 20 October 2014

Because when I talk, I like to talk.

What I have I been up to? Well first I am determined to finish the kitchen. Yup, that is right, the kitchen IS STILL NOT DONE! I have many excuses, mostly that my weekends have been overbooked and my evenings were filled will monstrous homework from a horrible professor. I hate to say that but this last class was the worst class I have ever taken. Professors may be intelligent but that doesn't mean they are meant to teach entry level courses. Now that I passed that course by the skin of my teeth, I am trying to finish the last set of doors and be done with my 8 week kitchen rehaul.

Ace has been in town a little more than usual since his location has changed. It has been really nice. We actually got to use benefits and go to San Francisco for our one year survivingbutlovingeachother anniversary. I bought him a kick ass decanter and matching glasses with his signature on them and he got me a beautiful pendant with Gooses birthstone and diamonds. He has heard me complain several times that they way they mount Gooses birthstone is always so tacky. He put in some serious effort (with the help of other men to be sure) to find the perfect one. We had a great trip... with a fight or two of course. Does anyone vacation without at least one argument? I had my final during that trip and of course the horrid professor posted it late so I spent way too much time working on it. I was stressed to the max. Thankfully we got to our destination Friday night without any hiccups and came home Monday, at a decent time, with no problems. We even got to see the Blue Angles at Fleet Week, which we had no idea was happening when we arrived. Have you ever taken a civilian, soon to be USAF, pilot to or near a military air show? SQUIRREL!

I took a small break from work to recharge in conjunction with our mini vacation. As stated in my previous post, I have been stressed out. This week is me starting fresh. Goose and I went for a 2 mile hike yesterday and today I worked legs like a boss... with no weights. I felt weak haha. I have been working on my blanket and a ton of crafts. My mind has been all over the place. I have created wrapped wine bottles, scored wine bottles to be used as vases or pencil holders, body scrubs, worked on the blanket enough to finish a bale and a half of yarn. I have also re-created the frog terrarium. I have some serious ADHD going one at the moment.

The one thing I haven't done is blogged. I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever and I would like to apologize but I felt like what I had to say, I couldn't say. Now that I have it's pouring out, so keep an eye for most post, more often. Ace would say someone pulled my string hah!

Now you know

I want to tell you guys a secret. If there is one thing that is known about me it is my tendency to share, to be open; I never hide my soul. Till one moment in December 2013, I learned very quickly what it meant to have that dark place... that one corner of your soul that no one ever sees.

See I was raised by a few different people and my biological family was never one of them. I knew who my mother and father were, but the contact was sporadic. I never met my father and my mother was a junkie, in and out of my life, depending on her addiction at that moment. She never was a bad person, but she made a lot of bad choices. One of the best choices she ever made was to let go of my siblings and I. To this day my old brother and my younger sister have never met each other. I have met each of them, my sister once, my brother twice. My brother was raised by our father’s family and my sister was part of a closed adoption. Neither of them had any contact with our mother. The way she gave me up, allowed room for her in my life. I always considered myself strong, choosing a life much different than hers. Never making the same mistakes and always being leery of anything that could cause addictions.

She sobered up when I was 19. Since I was 5, she had a partner who always did his best to care and provide for her. They might have lived in hotels at times when his jobs were always changing but things really started to look up for them. They settled down in an apartment, she was clean and going to school, he was doing his best to manage his health... Then 5 years down the road his health started to fail and slowly he passed away. She lost a part of herself that day. I was so scared for her sobriety, but damn, she proved me wrong.

She couldn't work in a normal environment due to the years of drugs and her mental state. Don't get me wrong, she was smart as a whip, but easily aggravated and unable to control her attitude sometimes. Instead, she sold off everything she could, including his tools, paid off their car, got a job taking care of an elderly man and life was as good as it could be. She was still sober. She was a college student. She was experiencing the same frustrations over math as I was. Over those 7 years we bonded. That was something we had never had before. 2012 I was so impressed with her and her strength and I was back in the states, I wanted her to spend Christmas with Goose, his father and I. It was the first Christmas I had ever had with her. It was the only picture taken of her, Goose and I.  I bought her a kindle because of her love for reading and even got all the gadgets for night reading and a card to load it with the first few books. The look on her face when she opened it is something I will never forget. She cried tears of joy... something she hadn't felt in a long time.

After her visit, she went back home and the ward she was caring for started falling ill. It shook the very ground she stood on because not only did she care for him, she knew finding another set up like this was rare. To add to it her she started having issues with her thyroid and had to have it removed. Finding the right balance in hormones was difficult and the pain and such started messing with her mental health. She was struggling in school, missed her partner, didn't have a community in this new location to bond with, she even started to lose her faith a little bit. Then the icing on the cake happened. The ward she cared for went into a coma. She lost control of her will power and wrote herself checks from her wards account and went to the streets.

I knew something wasn't right because I didn't hear from her for a few weeks. Then I got a phone call from her ward that his daughters pressed charges for fraudulent checks and that she was in jail for a few weeks. When we finally talked I could hear the anger in her voice and her patience shortened when she asked me for money and I said no. She wanted to come to Utah and at that moment, I was in the middle of a divorce and custody agreements with my sons father. I also had my career and clearance to worry about so I told her that was not an option. We didn't speak again for a few more weeks and I was so angry with her for throwing 8 years out the window.

Then she surprised me again. She went to a shelter that had a work program and would house you for 3 months to help you get back on your feet. She was back in school again and I sent her a care package to try and encourage her despite my disappointment. When her 3 months were up, she had nowhere to go. She was house to house trying to get back into the home but there were issues with her trial, her charges and I honestly do not know what else. She found some man to stay with who turned out to be a controlling POS and that ended quickly. She was so scared of going to prison, telling me how terrible the food was and that she was better than that. I thought she wanted it.

I was still upset and harboring inside. I put her out of my mind when I wasn't talking to her, thinking she would figure it out like she always did. Then she missed my birthday. The first time in 27 years, she didn't call or send a card. A few weeks later, I got a text that she was okay and she told me about her case some and that was it. Then Christmas passed. Again, the first time in 20 something years I didn't hear from her. December 26th she called. She told me about how she was taking the bus across town when she could, back and forth to the shelter daily and looking for a new place to live for a while. She said it rained the day before and she walked in her shoes for a few miles and they fell apart, but don't worry, one of her friends was going to give her a pair to wear. I told her that maybe going to jail for a year was better than probation for 5 years. She would get sober, have a place to live, get some more schooling, and they would force her to get things together. We talked a little bit longer and then that was the last time I talked to her. I sent a text to Ace about the call and how I was just disappointed in her and there was nothing I could do at this point.

December 28th, my biological brother called me to say that the police had found her body on the side of the highway. My brother who had not seen her since he was 4 years old. My brother, who did not care one bit, got the call accidently through our biological father because he and I have the same name and they confused us. My world crumbled in. She was beaten, raped, and her neck was broken before being thrown out on the side of the road. I never knew I had mommy issues till that moment. I never had a panic attack till then. They found the murdered within a few hours. A trucker was about to dispose of the evidence as they found him. Her welfare phone had allowed them to track him down. He tried to kill himself twice once they brought him into the station. As they have investigated this guy, they found that he has rape charges, arson, fraud, assault charges and even possibly child abuse. This guy was a monster. As I hear about more women coming forward, I think of her death as not in vain. Even still, it has left me damaged.

I have lost my best friend, lost her partner who I considered family, lost my nephew who was like my little brother. I have suffered more in a lifetime than one can imagine but yet, I have always pushed on and grown from it. This, I tried so hard to bottle up after it happened that now I am exploding with emotion. Her ashes are in my home and I cannot bring myself to try and plan how to spread them. I cannot look at a box and see what a life was reduced to. A life of bad choices and wrong places. She left the world alone and it breaks my heart. I thought for a the longest time that she went out of the world thinking that I didn't love her or not being able to understand where my anger was coming from.

Then a detective sent me some of her belongings. In there was a journal of sorts and there were different homework assignments for sobriety she was working on. In one of those books there was a question about choices. She wrote that she understood that her daughter couldn't just forgive her and that she (I) needed time to heal too. I cried like a baby when I read that because she knew. She knew I was struggling with her choices just as she was. She knew I had a family to protect and that I couldn't allow for her to bring us down too. I see homeless people and I want to hug them all. I want to tell them someone loves them and that it might not be okay today but have a little faith. I smile when I can and donate if I have extra... but it doesn't stop my aching heart.

I want to hold on to Goose and never let him experience that life. I think about getting out of the military so that he can have a mother at home to raise him and provide that example of what a family is. I think I want to smother him with my love, I know. I am going to turn into that mother that all the girls hate haha.

I do not know what it is that I miss or that I think I am missing. Maybe it is guilt or maybe it is the unknowns of what we could have had as the years pass. I just know that the last few weeks have been rough. I don't talk about it with anyone other than my therapist (yay for getting help!/no shame!) but sometimes it is healthy to tell the story. To show some depth and let people in. Maybe you are a stranger reading this, maybe you are a friend... either way, now you know.

Monday, 22 September 2014

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Hey stranger!

I will tell you that this keeping up with the blog thing is hard work.

Mostly when everything hits you at once. This class I am taking makes me want to pull mine and the professors hair out. I also got hit with a last minute work suspense and then created some of my own waves in the work place.

I have found myself in one of those "sounding like my first supervisors" moments. I am not anyone's supervisor at this moment but I have a general idea of what it is suppose to look like and how it is suppose to work. From the top and the bottom. I threw the flag in on someone else court. Some would say I over stepped my boundaries but so far most people I sought advice from, agreed with my decision. I think it has created a ripple effect. Our senior leaders finally have light of what is really going on in our unit and are starting to get a handle on it and are addressing it.  I created some tension and I probably burned some bridges but what can I do now?

Ace surprised me this weekend. He was supposed to only be in town for 12 hours between trips and wasn't planning on driving up to my place. Instead, he came home a bit early (14 hours, watch out!) and came up for the night. Goose and I were both pleasantly surprised. Goose more than me I think. He is quite taken with Ace.

Goose had an accident today at school. While playing with his 2 best friends, they had a three stooges moment, with Goose taking the brunt of it. Goose now has a goose egg on his forehead. Typically when these things happen I take them well. The gentleman from the daycare that called to informed me unsettled me a bit. I came in like a tornado... and here is Goose running around playing like nothing ever happened. This kid.

I also tried something new. I have been playing with the idea of making my own soap for a while and took the plunge today. I found the recipe at Kathi Lipp Your Life on Purpose. I was so excited after I mixed all my ingredients, I stripped my uniform and washed right away. Now, I just have to wear these clothes for a few weeks and see how they hold up (and my skin) with the new soap.

I found all the ingredients at my local Wal-Mart. Right in the same section. Seriously, I didn't even walk a foot to find all of these items.

(1) 4 lb 12 oz box of Borax
(1) 4 lb box Arm & Hammer Baking Soda
(1) 3 lb 7 oz box Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda
(3) bars of Fels-Naptha soap (or Zote)
3 lb container of Oxy Clean
1 container Purex Crystals

I underestimated the size of the container I needed to store this. I would say get a good 2 gallon bucket and one smaller one for what you need for say, the month. I used a cheese grater and really, it took me about 5 minutes tops to shave the soap. Others have talked about using a microwave to melt it and turn it into a power, others have used their food processer. I on the other hand just dedicated an old grater to the job and some elbow grease. Worked perfect.

You are supposed to use only about 2 tablespoons per load. I have an HE top loading machine. I removed the liquid dispenser to be able to use it for powder dispensing. I will monitor the machine for wear and tear. The 12ish lbs of soap this made I suspect will last me all year. With the amount that I spend on Tide/All Free products, I hope this works for the best.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Dating a Pilot

So say you stumbled across my blog because you want to know more about dating a pilot. You want to know if they all cheat. You want to know if they all fantasize banging their flight attendants. You want to know if the distance ever gets easier. I say that it is no different than dating a doctor. Yes, some date nurses, yes some cheat at work, but that doesn't make it the majority. Lawyers have paralegals, CEOs have hot secretaries. It is a close environment and it is the people they know and get. It is easy to date someone who is in the same profession. And yes, men and women become infatuated. I'll get to the distance part later.

If your man is a loyal one, then he will fantasize for a moment but eventually the infatuation fades and they are just another face at work. You cannot blame people for being human. I am sure that you have come across people that you have had a spark with and if given a large amount of time together, you may find yourself curious. But that doesn't mean you are going to act upon that impulse. Just like your pilot may not act upon them. Do not through them all into one bucket.

Dating a pilot can be fun. They are impulsive to a fault but that can be a good thing for you. If you were to get benefits you could fly anywhere for a few nights get away. Maybe just go to a theme park for a day, eat oysters in Seattle, and relax on a beach in Hawaii. They don't have work to bring home. Their time off is their time off. And when you spend so much time apart... there is a lot of making up for lost time to do :)

I remember when I first started dating Ace, I didn't care that he was a pilot. It seemed easy. He would be home 3 days, gone for 4, I could live like that. I love my own space and thought that would give us time to miss each other.

Then he got hired as a flight instructor. Which is in another state. This meant weeks at a time apart. First he had to get his new rating. That was 6 weeks of class in St. Louis. Now, after he got his rating and became a certified instructor, he spends anywhere from 1-3 weeks at a time there with very few days in between the next class. Sometimes we get lucky and have 7 days together.

There are so many things that can drive you crazy in this kind of relationship. Communication is the very first thing I can think of. It is easy to get caught up in your own life and put the other person to the side. It is also easy to be the person who is waiting all day just to hear from someone. No matter how strong you are, how secure you are in your own life, sometimes the pilot life gets to you. You hear the guys joking about so and so and the flight attendant he go busted with. You hear about those who lead two lives. You know there is plenty of room for one night stands in that kind of environment and it gets in your head.

What you have to do is evaluate yourself and your partner. Is your pilot the kind that makes you worry? If so, maybe you need to work on deepening your bond or really ask yourself if this is how you want to live. If your pilot never gives you reason to be concerned then you have to do a better job of getting out of your own head. We can create issues that are not even there just by simply over thinking and using our imagination. Your imagination is a powerful tool. You can think of a situation and raise your blood pressure, your body temperature and make your own heart race. You can cause yourself to become physically ill over something that hasn't even happened or may never even be plausible.

I have found myself all over with this. If I am feeling insecure, then you can bet that I am being a bat shit crazy woman for no reason. Then sometimes, I get so busy, I forget to make my pilot feel special. I think that if you are communicating properly and feeding each other's needs, then those insecurities subside and the balance is returned. If one person becomes to selfish and self-involved in a LDR then it is easy for the other person to feel hurt and neglected as well.

Ace and I have talked about love languages. We try to make sure that we are speaking those to each other. He likes words of affirmation and I like acts of kindness. Sometimes we may fall into physical or material but those tend to be if we are feeling insecure and are looking to fill our cup by any means necessary.

Even if you are feeling neglected, do not attack him. Respect him and talk to him like he is your loving partner, explain to him how you are feel empty and what you need. Do not point fingers or blame, after all you have been forewarned how hard this life can be. Be patient and be kind. It is hard on them too even if they do not show it.

One other thing I must mention when dating a pilot is you have to be independent. You cannot rely on him to come home and fix your sink when it breaks or be at blame because he wasn't there when you blew a tire. Become a strong woman who can turn a wrench, mow her own lawn, handle majority of the household crisis. I cannot tell you how many times Ace has told me how re-assuring that is to him. Even me painting my kitchen. He was talking to a group of pilots about it and they were in awe. Their wives/gf would never take on such a project by themselves. I ask, why not? You are just as capable and you find deep satisfaction knowing you are kind of badass on your own.

Monday, 8 September 2014

Hey you!

Here I am!

I faded out the last few weeks due to a few things. Goose and I both have been sick, I have some unknown inflammation in my ribs and nope, my kitchen is still not finished. I was able to get the frame and the back of the cabinet doors done. Now I just need to flip them and finish the front. I have also started Astronomy and this class is more than I bargained for. I finished my painting for Ace, it was a KC135. I got some inspiration from a few places online and of course mine didn't even come close to what I saw, but it still looks great. I originally painted it for his birthday but I am terrible at secrets and gave it to him early. He loved it! He swears he is taking it to UPT with him but that might be a bit embarrassing for him later down the road.

We made a trip up to Idaho this weekend to see Aces grandparents. Goose loves it up there and so do I. There are no stop lights, just stop signs. There are hay and potato fields everywhere and cows as far as your eyes can see. The scenery is beautiful too. This trip, we made it out to the City of Rocks National Reserve. This place is jaw dropping.

I am not sure many people even know this place exist. This place was many immigrants on their way for a bigger life through the California Trail. In 1852 almost 52,000 people passed through on their way to the gold fields. There is a rock called Camp Rock where many signed their name in wheel oil as they passed through. I took a many pictures of course and there was Goose in 90% of them climbing and exploring. Our stop was quick but we plan to come back and hopefully camp and explore more.

On another note... I have completely slacked in the diet and fitness section of my life. It is hard when Ace is home to behave. He often wants to take me out to eat rather than me having to mess the kitchen up. Or we like to unwind and have terribly sugary drinks together. It is an evil cycle. I don't have any specific goals in mind at the moment but the one I know I need to plan for is the winter. Winter is coming and with that so are the pies and bread and mashed potatoes I love so much. I would like to survive winter without too much damage. In order to do this, I have to get back to the hard work and dedication and remember that everything comes should be enjoyed with portion control. So to get ready for what is to come, I am working on small resolutions, one season at a time.

My fall resolutions:
Finish crocheting a blanket.
Work out at least 3-4 times a week. Go no more than two days without some type of fitness activity.
Lose another 2-5% body fat.
Blog at least 3 times a week.
Paint two more pictures.

That is what, 3 months to get it all done? Not too ambitious :)

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

The State of Things

Well, my is kitchen still a disaster.

So. Many. Doors.

So. Many. Coats

The process has been extremely delayed due to a number of things. Paint is such a mess to take out each night, clean up and get to bed at a decent time. Then Ace surprised me Thursday and came home late that night. So Friday was work, then out to dinner and off to a friends house. Saturday was yard work and tons and tons of sanding. It took 8 hours to do 9 doors. The paint was just falling off so it took a lot of sanding to get things evened out. After using an 80 grit to get the paint off, I then used a sanding block to further even things out. I then had to clean the doors and fill in the hardware holes. That took two fills, on each side, sanding between and after. I didn't get to work as late as I would have like since Ace was home and had an early flight the next morning. Sunday rolled around and a girlfriend, who's husband is recently deployed, invited Goose and I to the playground. She has a 3 month old and a 4 year old. We spent quite a bit of time at the park and grabbed lunch. I made it home 3 hours later and got Goose down for a nap and hit the doors again.

I screwed up big time. I wanted to do magnetic and chalk paint on the inside of the upper cabinet doors. I shook the can for a good 5 minutes and got to work. I noticed that they were still very sticky after the recommended drying time. I re-read the can and stuck a stirrer inside and realized I hadn't broken up the materials that had settled in the bottom of the can. My hour effort of painting was wasted. I started over, got two coats done and before I knew it, it was time for dinner, bath and bedtime.

I have two coats of chalk on the backs left and the entire fronts left to do. My house looks like a bomb went off. There are dry paint brushes, tools, screws, drawers laying around. The counter and walls are still taped off and we are eating from paper plates. I can barely make it to the Kuerig. I need my kitchen back ASAP!

It is a long weekend coming up and Goose is with his dad. I am hoping to knock out the rest of it or at least have it all drying by Monday.

I am starting to think that hiring someone was the better way to go for my own sanity :)

Handbook for Life

I found this on another blog and I love it! I find myself needing to put these to practice more than I do now.

Handbook to Life

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts over things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. Be grateful for what you have been given.
18. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
21. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away (like algebra class) but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

24. Call your family often.
25. Each day give something good to others.
26. Forgive.
27. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
33. God heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, thank God for it.
38. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy.